I both welcomed Muscles’s admission, and hated it. I knew I had feelings for him so I was glad he had feelings for me, but at the same time I didn’t want to have a relationship with him. First off, he lived in the same house as my ex, so I had memories I thought I’d forgotten slap me in the face and make me miss Robot all over again. The worst was when Muscles first tried to cuddle with me on the couch when we were watching a movie. All of a sudden I had these memories…the first was around Christmastime when Robot and I fell asleep watching a movie. I woke up and his head was lying on my chest and the lights on the tree were on. I remember it so vividly because I was so calm and happy at that moment. The next was when we were under a blanket and started, well, touching each other while his roommates…maybe even Muscles?… sat watching TV at the same time. I didn’t know how to handle it.
So I kept pushing myself away. I tried to be affectionate, but not too affectionate. I didn’t text him during the day, and replied in an untimely manner when he texted me. But, I continued going out with him because I cared about him and wanted him to feel secure, even though I did not.
We weren’t affectionate at all around our friends because he could tell I wasn’t ready. I’d go as far as to flirt with other guys right in front of him so as not to seem attached. Basically, I pulled a Robot. Finally, one night after a friend’s barbecue he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. We were both a bit drunk (as always, I know) and I came up with some bullshit excuse not to be. The next night when we were about to go to sleep he confronted me.
Him: So…where did we leave things on the girlfriend thing?
Insert 1 minute pause.
Me: Uh ya, I guess.
Me: Ya, I guess so.
Him: Why don’t you want to be? I remember you had some arguments that sounded legit.
Me: Um….I don’t remember.
Me: So…ya ok.
I swear I was not always this bad at communicating. In fact, I used to be the one who initiated these conversations. I think unfortunately because I was so hurt the last few times I tried to have serious conversations with Robot, it just put me off of them completely and now I just avoid them. Ya, I know. It’s a skill I’m working on.
Honestly, until a week ago I was planning to break up with him. I didn’t want to do it too soon because we have a bunch of events coming up and I didn’t want to ruin them…selfish, I know. I still think about Robot more than I’m comfortable with. Also, because I’m surrounded by stimuli that remind me of him at Muscles’s house, I’ve started dreaming about him again too…which gets a bit awkward when I wake up next to Muscles. I felt guilty and didn’t think it was fair to Muscles. Or at least that was the excuse I told myself for planning a break up. But really, I think I just wanted there to be a chance of reconciliation when Robot gets back from Australia. I’ve realized in the last few days though that I don’t even think I want that anymore. I like dating someone that wants to hang out with me all of the time, that cares and notices when I even show signs I’m upset. I like being with someone that I’m not afraid to fight with, that wants other people to know I’m dating him. In fact, just last week we went out for drinks with his uncle. That would be unheard of when I was dating Robot. His rule was that he’d only introduce a girl to his family when he was planning to marry her…which meant I was not going to meet them.
My mom knows something’s up too. My parents are coming to visit and we are going on a little road trip. She said if I was dating someone I could invite them…
We shall see.
The next day was suuuuuuuuuuuuuper awkward. We’d barely make eye contact, and he had this weird calmness to him that made me even more nervous than I already was. When we all went to go our separate ways, everyone hugged except Muscles and I. This both frustrated and annoyed me. Dude, you just asked me out and you won’t even hug me goodbye? Of course, my reaction to his proposition was not exactly encouraging, and I was aware of that. And yet I was still mad at him. I have only experienced these weird conflicting feelings when I start developing a crush on a guy…I knew this was a bad sign. Luckily, I was heading back to my hometown so I wouldn’t have to face him for a week.
He texted me all the time. When he didn’t text, he would send me Draw Something sketches, presumably so I knew he was still thinking about me. We didn’t talk more about the date so I wasn’t sure if we had simply gone back to normal… obviously it wasn’t but I think we all know that in those early stages it’s hard not to second guess things. My second day back home he asked if we could hang out either the night I’d get back or the night after.
And so it began. The night I got back we went to some random burger restaurant and then he drove me to some abandoned area where he drifted his car (fucking terrifying) and made out with me. Basically it was what high school dates are like in the movies. I went along with it, still a bit unsure of where we stood. At the end of our second date (2 days later), he said he was “into me”. That was when a different panic set in.
My memories of the next night are hazy at best. We went to a rooftop nightclub where we got bottle service. Muscles pulled yet another one of his pull me to the side and make out with me moves. I protested this time, but he managed to convince me to dance. I don’t even want to think about how we looked….but needless to say our dancing was not rated G. Since everyone in our group was hammered, some of them decided to finally confront me. What was my relationship with Muscles? Were we just hooking up or was there more? One friend who always manages to say the worst things at the worst time said we could be good together. I panicked. And, when I’m drunk and panicked, I run. So I started to run towards the exit when Muscles blocked me. He asked me to talk about it and I just started crying and saying how weird this was and how everyone thought we were together. I’m not exactly sure what else I said but I remember it had something to do about him having no feelings for me, that I was just like Jess. He shook his head. I was surprised by this reaction but we left it at that.
We went to another hotel afterwards where I gambled for the first time in my life…$5 that disappeared a couple of seconds after I put it down. Luckily that’s all I gambled on that trip. The next morning when I woke up I thought I remembered Muscles saying he’d want to go out with me, and I told him to ask me when he was sober but I decided it must have just been a dream.
I acted weird around him all day. I knew I wanted to end our FWB but I was confused about what I wanted anymore. I’d get these weird moments where I just wanted to hug him, hold his hand. I hadn’t had that for anyone since Robot. I figured it was just because of the dream and it would probably wear off.
It was our last night in Vegas. We went to see Cirque du Soleil (which was really cool, I highly recommend it). We were sitting in a bar afterwards when Muscles asked if he could talk to me outside. I figured he’d ask if we were okay, or if I was okay or something since I was acting off. This is what happened instead:
Him: So I wanted to talk to you before I start drinking….I’d like to go out with you sometime.
Him: Well you said to ask you when I was sober so I wanted to do it now.
*awkward glances are exchanged*
Him: Well…just think about it?
Me: Ya ok.
LOL. Poor Muscles. I was too busy having a heart attack to properly respond. We walked back inside the bar and I somehow managed to find a drink that I started to chug if only to keep my hands busy. Muscles was staring at me basically the whole time which made me increasingly nervous to the point where I started staring at the table instead of interacting with any of our friends. He asked me to come outside again and at first I resisted, but I figured he probably needed an explanation.
Him: You ok?
Me: Ya… I don’t remember saying that at all.
This was a lie.
Him: (laughing awkwardly) Oh. Well you said it last night.
He just looked at me. So, we headed back inside while I continued to have my internal panic attack. So he had feelings for me then? Am I having feelings for him or am I just attracted to him? Should I go out with him? What about Jess? What about Robot?
My relationship with Muscles was wreaking havoc on my conscience. First, he was Jess’s ex-crush who broke her heart. Second, he was one of my ex’s best friends and roommates. This made things extremely complicated. I hid it from Jess because I was afraid she would think of it as a betrayal. Meanwhile, two of Muscles’s roommates are Christian and therefore did not exactly approve. I later found out that they also thought he was taking advantage of me in my vulnerable state. Basically, it was a mess that made everyone uncomfortable and made me start to neglect Jess because I felt too guilty to face her.
I decided it had to end. Honestly, I didn’t have much motivation anyways since the only time I enjoyed being his FWB was when I was drunk and horny…and even then I could do without. I would room with another friend in Vegas so I couldn’t hook up with him, and I figured that would be enough to let him know I was not interested in pursuing our…thing.
That plan failed miserably. I don’t remember all of Vegas since I spent most of it intoxicated, but it was filled with chaos. I ran off by myself the first night while drunk and upset because a friend was upset and…well I’m either a fun drunk or an emotional one and unfortunately that night was not one of my fun nights. The next morning I got a knock on my door from Muscles. He tried to act cool but ended up storming out of the room after 5 minutes because he was so angry I had run off and not told him I was alright. He was literally shaking. Our other friends were annoyed but got over it. You probably know where this is going. I’ll admit, I was a little slower on the uptake.
The first time the plan actually failed was the following night. We were in a casino and our friend was playing slots while we were watching, and all of a sudden Muscles just grabs me and kisses me. I was drunk and therefore did not protest. This led to some activities later on in the night that I will not delve into but basically, I had failed my mission.
It’s been a while since I have documented my sluttiness. Where do I begin…I broke up with Awkward. And when I say I broke up I mean I started acting weird and avoiding him until the day of my birthday party when he called to ask what the hell was going on and I said I was overwhelmed…meanwhile he texted me maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I feel badly but thankfully it’s all behind us now and we are back to slightly friends territory where we belong.
I continued to be my kissing slut self until all of a sudden the only person I was kissing was Muscles. It then turned into a FWB situation which was, quite frankly, fucked up. I was always curious about how that worked and it can…but I have never felt so stuck in my life. We’d hang out and do things that could have been so romantic, but because we were trying to keep things strictly FWB it just left me feeling lonely. Here I was, single but unavailable because everyone we met thought I was with Muscles. I think the worst was when we went to the Lonsdale Quay Market and went to this lookout where the ocean stretched out in front of us on a beautiful sunny day. We were standing 2 metres apart. In retrospect I’m glad I went through it even though I hated myself at the time, because that kind of relationship really helped me understand how much power you can have over your emotions. As much as he may put on the douche front sometimes, Muscles is a really great guy. I knew I could develop feelings for him easily since we’ve always had a flirtatious relationship, but I knew I wasn’t ready for it and he wasn’t showing any signs of wanting more. And, if I learned anything from my relationship with Robot, it’s that you need to be conscious of what the other person wants from the relationship. Not to say that you shouldn’t ever follow your heart because that is important, but I had had enough drama for a while and I knew I had to focus on myself. At least, that was the plan before I went to Vegas…
I thought I was screwed. I woke up on the floor with a bad headache and some nausea knowing my flight was in 3 hours and I had no idea where my wallet was. I had not packed either.
I made Muscles get up and we woke up Russian who had crashed on the couch. We walked to the Student Building to try to check the lost and found. Of course, the lost and found was not open yet because it was 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday. The first aid office was open so we asked them and they said they had found a wallet but it was black…mine was yellow. I started freaking out. Muscles managed to calm me down. He got some money out of an ATM to loan me and dropped me off at my place. At this point it was 8:15am…my flight was at 10:15. I showered, got dressed, threw stuff in my suitcase and managed to get out the door by 9. I got 2 interesting Facebook messages: one from the staff at the club saying they had my wallet (I have never been so relieved) and one from Easy…more on that later. So I get to the airport and I’m feeling alright, even if I am a bit hungover. Everything went better than expected…
I was wrong. For some reason the temperature in the cabin was ridiculously hot. I was wearing snow boots, sweatpants and a sweat shirt so this was bad news. The hangover chose this point to strike full force…and when I get hungover, I get nauseous. Really nauseous. I was also sitting in a window seat. I went to the washroom because I was starting to feel really uncomfortable but nothing happened and I felt a bit better after getting up. Not 10 minutes later my stomach decided to revolt. Luckily the washroom was vacant, and I did not throw up on my neighbours. There is nothing quite like feeling trapped and sick at the same time. I slept for the rest of the trip.
As for the message from Easy, she asked me if anything was going on between me and Muscles because “we looked cute together”. I guarantee that was not her motivation in asking that question. I talked to Pinky about it and apparently that night she asked him what I had that she didn’t, and why Muscles liked me more…I felt horrible. Here I was avoiding her and then breaking down when I was reminded I wasn’t good enough for my ex, meanwhile she was feeling the same way. Karma is a bitch.
Ladies and gents (aka H lol), I made it through a night of being drunk without hooking up with anyone. I am not sure what to do. However, boy drama was still involved so I figured I should give you this update anyway. Besides, I’m sure this won’t happen too often so might as well document it.
There was a mini war happening over where we should go for the night. There were 2 options : downtown or the club on campus. There was an engineering party happening on campus, but tickets $15. Downtown seemed like a viable option until it started raining. Of course, we ended up staying on campus. I wasn’t going to drink that much because I had a flight the next day….guess what happened. So we get there and there are maybe 20 people there. Maybe. It was horrible. I would say 5 people on the dance floor. So, we all grabbed a table and talked. Muscles and I got into a conversation that I’m pretty sure got very inappropriate however I don’t remember much of it (for which I am thankful).
A girl called Easy was in attendance. She used to date a guy who hangs out with us, and since they had broken up she tries to hook up with everyone in sight. I will not lie, she may have managed to kiss me once. I had heard rumors that she tried to hook up with Robot at his going away party while asking why we broke up and saying how cool I was…she is a bit odd. She was obviously interested in Muscles and hitting on him HARD. Muscles and I moved to the dance floor and she comes up to me and tries to grind with me. Meanwhile, she asks why Robot and I broke up and how great and pretty I am and blah blah blah….I was not having any of it so I found a group of girls I did not know and started dancing with them. From what I could see she kept trying to dance with him while he tried to follow me to get away from her. So, of course she follows him. Luckily the girls I was dancing with saw this and protected me from both of them for which I am eternally grateful. Hearing about my ex while sober sucks enough, having strangers who hit on my ex try and tell me I’m better off and how it’s his loss while I am drunk is just a slap in the face.
Awkward and some of his friends came with us that night. Somehow I ended up talking to him while we were there and he is actually really cool. And sweet. He also seems to be into me from what everyone around was telling me…and I didn’t even make out with him!
This is when things took a turn for the worst. I will call this girl Perfect. I know Perfect because Robot’s BFF and dated her for 2 years before he unceremoniously dumped her for some girl he met on a field trip…2 weeks before Robot dumped me that first time. And guess what, the girl Robot hid from me was best friends of this newer girl. Perfect does not go to my school and neither did her ex so this totally caught me off guard and quite frankly felt like a punch in the gut. We talked briefly and she ran off to dance with her friends. I ran outside while ALL of our friends chased after me so I could start bawling. And of course I was the only girl there. Meanwhile, Awkward’s friend was literally passing out. It was a mess. Everyone was really sweet, saying that of course Robot cared about me and he was a dumbass, but it’s hard to wonder what the other girl has that you don’t. Perfect was a reminder that no matter how great a person can be, some guys are still jackasses. Sometimes it is hard to accept that Robot had put himself into that category.
We all piled into the car to drive to McDonald’s. One friend of ours, Russian, got 10 Junior Chickens. I had my usual Big Mac and then with much difficulty ate one of those Junior Chickens….that was forced to come up not long afterwards. We ran into Perfect again and she said she was training to become a teacher and told us some cute story about one of the kids in her class. Muscles said she was hot and asked how I knew her. Awkward and his friends left because the friend that was passing out ended up actually passing out in front of Shoppers so they had to get him home. Muscles and I crashed on campus on our friend’s floor because I realized when we got to McDonald’s that somehow I had lost my wallet. Basically, it was a slightly depressing night.
On Sunday, Awkward started messaging me on facebook. This was suspicious because I barely ever talk to him. In fact, we had never talked on facebook before. Hmmm.
I talked to Snuggles, who was the one who hosted the party. His roommate Scottish had been crushing on me for some time…it first began when he was drunk and claimed he would be a better boyfriend to me than Robot was. I was also drunk and thought he had a Scottish accent…basically it was British Guy part 2. In terms of personality, he reminds me a lot of Charmer. We made eye contact a couple of times at the party. The last thing I remember is that he came out on the balcony and talked to me for a bit and then left. I do not remember the conversation at all. Snuggles said that Scottish was going to hit on me but when he came out I was holding hands with some guy. This was news to me.
The mystery was revealed on Monday. I went out to lunch with my friend Smiles, Pinky and his friends (which included Glee and Mark). We were walking to pick up food when Glee gets a phone call. All of a sudden Mark says “hey *kissing slut*, Glee’s inviting someone to come eat with us. You jealous?”
The unfortunate thing I have come to find is now I think I have started developing a rebound crush on Glee…who is 100% off limits. He and Robot have known each other since they went to a different university first year. Yikes. On top of that he is interested in a girl who has a boyfriend, and another girl who has a boyfriend texts him nonstop. Apparently off limits is a recurring problem for Glee. Meanwhile, whenever I hang out with Pinky and crew, the awkwardness never ends. Glee brings up Robot a lot I think to try to remind me and maybe himself that the friendzone is in effect, and Mark makes side comments like “oh I remember a make out session that happened last week…”. Fml.